Lately I was getting hyper active. When I am doing certain tasks, I want to do it very fast. I am in a hurry to finish it. It includes tasks such as going and posting a letter in the post office. I am rushing to finish the task. I am complaining and blaming myself that I am doing tasks in a very low pace. This hurry makes me very stressed up.
As it often happens this release this stress I often end up watching porn. I have decided many times that I would not watch porn, but I some how slips into porn sites. After I undergo intense stress often there is an urge for a high amount of “pleasure units” it seems. This craving is met by the porn. I have many times taken the decision that such requirement of pleasure should be met by watching movies and listening music or some other healthy means. However, I slips into porn sites. Watching porn leads me to a very unpleasant mental state. I get very irritated. Not in a mood to talk to people or listen them. Feeling that I have wasted a lot time etc. I guess I should be more determined to stop watching porn.
I was told by many and sometimes by myself the following: “Look; why are you so worried?! Enjoy the life. You have everything in life”. Yes that is true. I am in a good position in life. I have loved one and a few great friends. But I always said to my self “Look but I have depression. IT makes my life unbearable. So how does it matter what else do I have in life?”. I was cancelling out all the goods I have by saying that “look; but I have depression”. Needless to say that t made me more depressed.
What I discovered yesterday is this: I need to be thankful for the good things I have in my life. Be happy for the things that I have in life. Express that joy and gratitude. Acknowledging those good things that I have itself might take away the depression from me forever; who knows?!
Here is a short film portraying the issue of gender discrimination and sexual-harassment in India.
I could not sleep the whole night yesterday. The thought that I am going to be 30 years old soon is haunting me. I want to be 24 for ever. At least let me to be in twenties for some more time. I am going to be 30 soon but I am still a student. I am yet to get settled. I am yet to get married; my girl-friend is waiting for me. I can hopefully do all that within one and half to two years if I work hard. But it terribly makes me stressed up to realize that I am going to be 30. It comes to me as a shock! I am feeling that I have been too slow to make progress in life. What do I do now?! I do not know whether I can sleep tonight.
I have identified some of the sources of my stress and anxiety which often culminates in depression. Some of the sources of my stress and anxiety that I have identified are the following.
1. Social Phobia
I often get comfortable withe people around me. That leads to an increased level of stress.
2. Anxiety about future
I am often anxious about future. This anxiety contributes to the increasing of stress.
3. Greed in work
When I work, I end up wanting more to do. This greed to do more leaves me with a high level of stress. This sometimes result me for not able to do work properly during the next day.
Once the factors that are contributing to the stress and anxiety (that eventually leads to depression) is formulated, it looks very clear. The fact is that often it is not very clear and they eludes my attention.
I went to a friend’s home for a dinner. It was a great time I thought. But when I am thinking about it now, I am afraid that I probably screwed it up. I am afraid that I looked at his wife too much. I was trying to be friendly and nice. But I am not sure that how she and he felt about it. I am afraid that a couple of times my eyes were tempting to go to a particular part of her body which might have created some wrong impression of me. She was sitting opposite to me on a couch. I was sitting on the floor. My eyes were having a tendency to look at her thighs which was getting exposed in her tight pants (See the pics given to understand the the description better). I did not want to look there. But there was a struggle in my mind for not look. I am afraid that the symptoms of this struggle was appearing on my face. I am afraid whether she and he sensed that struggle of mind. It is embarrassing. Would they have got a wrong impression of me? Am I objectifying women when I look at them? I face this kind of difficult at times when I am talking with ladies. It leads me to have stress.I want to get rid of this difficulty.
I hope any of your who are reading this would not get offended by it; please do not get me wrong.
I had to talk to him. He is my colleague. As usual he started to tell great things about me and people associated with me. I can sense how insincere he is in what he says. He is a fraud. it makes me irritated to listen and talk to him. It makes me stressed up. The stress that I was undergoing was appearing clearly right there on my face. The thought that he must be seeing that I am getting stressed up makes me to feel uncomfortable. I wish I could hide that stress from my face!