I think I am a family man. I seems to be very much attached to my family. Perhaps I did not realise it for a long time. When I am away from my family and my girl-friend, I feel that there is a vacuum in me. I am lacking some thing. I am feeling restless and lost. Yes, there are friends whome I talk and spend my time with, but that does not seem to be adequate to get a sense of dwelling.
To overcome the lost feeling that I often encounter when I am away from home, I end up over eating and masturbating too much. But those does not give me the satisfaction that I am searching for. It sometimes leaves me more frustrated. I realised that I love my family, despite of problems. when I was younger I used to think that I will be happier if I stay away from my family. I think I am wrong about it. The uncritical and non-evaluative eyes of my family members and lover is my comfort zone. The unconditional love of them gives a lot of meaning to my life. When I am away from home and my girl-friend, I feel so un-rooted/up rooted. Only solace is that, by being away from them, I am working for a better future of mine as well as my family. may be this up-rootedness is a necessary part for that better future.
Year 2013 was great for me. It would not have been so great without your love and support; thank you all. Wish you all a great year ahead. HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Lately I was getting hyper active. When I am doing certain tasks, I want to do it very fast. I am in a hurry to finish it. It includes tasks such as going and posting a letter in the post office. I am rushing to finish the task. I am complaining and blaming myself that I am doing tasks in a very low pace. This hurry makes me very stressed up.
As it often happens this release this stress I often end up watching porn. I have decided many times that I would not watch porn, but I some how slips into porn sites. After I undergo intense stress often there is an urge for a high amount of “pleasure units” it seems. This craving is met by the porn. I have many times taken the decision that such requirement of pleasure should be met by watching movies and listening music or some other healthy means. However, I slips into porn sites. Watching porn leads me to a very unpleasant mental state. I get very irritated. Not in a mood to talk to people or listen them. Feeling that I have wasted a lot time etc. I guess I should be more determined to stop watching porn.
I was told by many and sometimes by myself the following: “Look; why are you so worried?! Enjoy the life. You have everything in life”. Yes that is true. I am in a good position in life. I have loved one and a few great friends. But I always said to my self “Look but I have depression. IT makes my life unbearable. So how does it matter what else do I have in life?”. I was cancelling out all the goods I have by saying that “look; but I have depression”. Needless to say that t made me more depressed.
What I discovered yesterday is this: I need to be thankful for the good things I have in my life. Be happy for the things that I have in life. Express that joy and gratitude. Acknowledging those good things that I have itself might take away the depression from me forever; who knows?!
Here is a short film portraying the issue of gender discrimination and sexual-harassment in India.
I could not sleep the whole night yesterday. The thought that I am going to be 30 years old soon is haunting me. I want to be 24 for ever. At least let me to be in twenties for some more time. I am going to be 30 soon but I am still a student. I am yet to get settled. I am yet to get married; my girl-friend is waiting for me. I can hopefully do all that within one and half to two years if I work hard. But it terribly makes me stressed up to realize that I am going to be 30. It comes to me as a shock! I am feeling that I have been too slow to make progress in life. What do I do now?! I do not know whether I can sleep tonight.
I have identified some of the sources of my stress and anxiety which often culminates in depression. Some of the sources of my stress and anxiety that I have identified are the following.
1. Social Phobia
I often get comfortable withe people around me. That leads to an increased level of stress.
2. Anxiety about future
I am often anxious about future. This anxiety contributes to the increasing of stress.
3. Greed in work
When I work, I end up wanting more to do. This greed to do more leaves me with a high level of stress. This sometimes result me for not able to do work properly during the next day.
Once the factors that are contributing to the stress and anxiety (that eventually leads to depression) is formulated, it looks very clear. The fact is that often it is not very clear and they eludes my attention.