yes I am turning 30!! I feel it is time to move ahead of the self of that kid. I was stuck with the self of helpless kid. A kid who is insecure in the family. A kid who is insecure since his father is so unexpected in behaviour. His father will beat him quite unexpectedly. He could not feel the warmth of the love of his mother. He could not feel it since his mother often do not express her love though she loves him. This environment produced a lot of anxiety in the kid. The kid grew up. Did well in studies. But deep down he was and perhaps still is severely diffident. Deep down feeling a lot of stress. He thinks that he still is that kid. He is stuck with that self. He did not yet internalise the fact that he has grown up. He is not able to behave like an adult with a complete conviction that he is an adult. Deep down somewhere he is still that kid who is anxious and insecure. The insecurity and anxiety is learned by his mind as the norm. He is anxious if he is thrust into situations which goes beyond his control.
The anxiety and stress leaves his self as an unsatisfied self. Deep down he is not satisfied despite the amazing progress in career, blissful presence of a loving girl-friend with him etc. Though it is to be stated that he does not have many friends. He is extremely choosy in making friends since he cannot listen to or/and be with people with whom he is not comfortable. This lack of many friend leaves him to face a situation where he is alone since friends are away. May be this is the reason why he often feel extremely lonely.
when he feel lonely, stressed up, anxious and heavy with life, he get into self destructive activities. This self destructive activities includes activities such as watching porn. During such difficult times, he often fantasies having sex with an elder lady. Porn acts as a medium for fulfilling this desire sometimes. Sometimes this desire lead him to look for opportnites such as a crowded vehicle where he can sit with ladies and his thigh will be touching their thigh. He wish that ladies are sexually interested in him and will grope him. He wish that they will press their body against his body ( To let you know about the strength of this desire, when I am typing this I am getting an erection!). There are many instances where ladies groped him.
all these self destructive activities eventually leaves him frustrated, unsatisfied, irritated, guilty, and depressed. He wants to get rid of all these undesirable activities and thoughts. He has tried it and has made some progress. May be he should find excitement and passion in life. May be without that happening first, he cannot get rid of the self-destructive deeds and thoughts. He still is not feeling very confident that he can make that progress by shedding the self of that anxious kid away.
I think I am a family man. I seems to be very much attached to my family. Perhaps I did not realise it for a long time. When I am away from my family and my girl-friend, I feel that there is a vacuum in me. I am lacking some thing. I am feeling restless and lost. Yes, there are friends whome I talk and spend my time with, but that does not seem to be adequate to get a sense of dwelling.
To overcome the lost feeling that I often encounter when I am away from home, I end up over eating and masturbating too much. But those does not give me the satisfaction that I am searching for. It sometimes leaves me more frustrated. I realised that I love my family, despite of problems. when I was younger I used to think that I will be happier if I stay away from my family. I think I am wrong about it. The uncritical and non-evaluative eyes of my family members and lover is my comfort zone. The unconditional love of them gives a lot of meaning to my life. When I am away from home and my girl-friend, I feel so un-rooted/up rooted. Only solace is that, by being away from them, I am working for a better future of mine as well as my family. may be this up-rootedness is a necessary part for that better future.
Year 2013 was great for me. It would not have been so great without your love and support; thank you all. Wish you all a great year ahead. HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Lately I was getting hyper active. When I am doing certain tasks, I want to do it very fast. I am in a hurry to finish it. It includes tasks such as going and posting a letter in the post office. I am rushing to finish the task. I am complaining and blaming myself that I am doing tasks in a very low pace. This hurry makes me very stressed up.
As it often happens this release this stress I often end up watching porn. I have decided many times that I would not watch porn, but I some how slips into porn sites. After I undergo intense stress often there is an urge for a high amount of “pleasure units” it seems. This craving is met by the porn. I have many times taken the decision that such requirement of pleasure should be met by watching movies and listening music or some other healthy means. However, I slips into porn sites. Watching porn leads me to a very unpleasant mental state. I get very irritated. Not in a mood to talk to people or listen them. Feeling that I have wasted a lot time etc. I guess I should be more determined to stop watching porn.
I was told by many and sometimes by myself the following: “Look; why are you so worried?! Enjoy the life. You have everything in life”. Yes that is true. I am in a good position in life. I have loved one and a few great friends. But I always said to my self “Look but I have depression. IT makes my life unbearable. So how does it matter what else do I have in life?”. I was cancelling out all the goods I have by saying that “look; but I have depression”. Needless to say that t made me more depressed.
What I discovered yesterday is this: I need to be thankful for the good things I have in my life. Be happy for the things that I have in life. Express that joy and gratitude. Acknowledging those good things that I have itself might take away the depression from me forever; who knows?!
Here is a short film portraying the issue of gender discrimination and sexual-harassment in India.
I could not sleep the whole night yesterday. The thought that I am going to be 30 years old soon is haunting me. I want to be 24 for ever. At least let me to be in twenties for some more time. I am going to be 30 soon but I am still a student. I am yet to get settled. I am yet to get married; my girl-friend is waiting for me. I can hopefully do all that within one and half to two years if I work hard. But it terribly makes me stressed up to realize that I am going to be 30. It comes to me as a shock! I am feeling that I have been too slow to make progress in life. What do I do now?! I do not know whether I can sleep tonight.