Illness, Mortality, mood-swings etc.

When I fall ill, I get terribly panic. May be illness functions as a reminder of my mortality. Illness reminds us the fact that we all are gradually traveling towards death. may be life is nothing but a journey towards death and  a few trepidations before reaching the destination called death!

illness image

I am feeling that I am becoming so old. Illness makes me feel more old (than I actually am). I am feeling very low with the arrival of winter combined with illness. I do not feel a sense of control over myself. Environmental conditions and illness takes over my mind. I am unable to predict anything about myself. I often feel that I have no control over my mood and thus over myself. I feel helpless. If I do not have control over myself, If I do not have some degree of assurances over myself, can  I ever make any promises (to myself or to others) in any meaningful manner?

My poor life partner is having difficulty to understand my mood swings. I am feeling guilty for not able to do better so that she will be at peace in her life. If I am not able to support myself properly, how will I support someone else?

Miserable “friendships”

I have issues with maintaining friendships. There are two kinds of (related) issues that are bothering me at the moment. One of them is a general problem and other is comparatively particular.

General problem: Bitter ends of “friendships”.

It seems to me that I often misjudge people. I become a friend with someone and at a later point realise that he/she is not the kind of person I thought him/her to be. Often I annoying-kidtrust people too quickly and becomes friends with them. Often the person emotionally abuse me in one way or the other. As a result of I will have to break my friendship with that person. As a result, often that person becomes an enemy (well, some what) of mine. This has been a recurring factor in many of my relationships (friendships?!) for last five years. I do not know why it happens. My misjudgments can be part of the problem. I am also suspecting whether I am being ambivalent about the kind of people whom I want to be associated with. You might be thinking that I am making lots of friends and some among them end up in the kind of disaster that I am describing. No that is not the case. I do not become friends with many. I become friends with only a few and most of them seems to take me to a bitter state. It was not happening to me like this before. All this began since 2008. I do not know that what is going wrong with me.

Particular problem: the Annoying “friend”

The problem that I am going to explain is a very tough one for me. I am not sure whether I can translate all those difficulties to this post. There is a person who is annoying me like anything. I am bearing this traumatic and exhausting experience for last five years. In the beginning I considered him as a friend. I took a lot of help from him. (By the way, he is a very helpful guy. I am indebted to him for several things. ) As time passes I realised that he is not as genuine as he appeared to me. He is an attention seeker who does things for the recognition of others. On top of that he is an extrovert with whom I can’t hang around. On the basis of these understandings, I began to withdraw myself from him. But he will stick to you like anything. Though it is very clear to him that I am not interested to talk to him or to hang around with him he will not leave me alone. Unfortunately, to make my misery even worse he is my colleague. He would not leave people even if he understand that they are not liking his company. He seems to be taking it as a process of conquering. He wants to win over you. I can’t stand to this harassment any more. I simply can’t listen to him more than two minutes. If I do, I begin to feel heavy, I get stressed up, I feel tiered etc. Even by seeing the disinterested face of mine, this fellow (I originally used a harsher word which will better capture my emotional state :-) ) will go on for ever. As I type these words I can feel the agitation that is going on inside me. I have been thinking of writing this for so long; some how it did not happen untill now. I can sympathise with him that probably he has some problem with emotional security. Perhaps he has a past where he has faced a lot rejections which makes him such behaviour to attract everyone’s recognition and acceptance. But I can’t offer him such a support. That will lead to me to suffer like anything. Considering the kind of hollow and pretentious talks he does I can’t imagine to have a lengthy conversation with him. This is hell! Since he is a colleague of mine, I am trapped. To make the situation worse, he will intrude to my other friend ships as well. I hate him. What did I do to be stuck with him like this?!!

Freedom and confessions

Hello everyone! I am sorry that I could not put any post for such a long time. Some how I was running away from the blog; I am not very sure why. Perhaps I was feeling tied to the computer. I feel more stressed and anxious if I use Internet a lot; especially if the connection is slow. I do not know whether being stuck with the computer for a long time is a result of the lack of my freedom! You might say, but you chose to be with the computer, freedom2then how can it be the result of the lack of freedom? You chose to be with the computer and thus exercising your freedom. I am not sure that how much am I ‘choosing’ to be with the computer. is there an element of addiction with the Internet? Are you loosing your freedom in the sense that you are no more choosing to use it, but as a part of a compulsive behavior you are spontaneously falling to the net and finding  yourself using it? How much of free will do we have? I do not know.

At times when a sense of boredom encroaches me, I open the computer and at times I fall to the trap of porn. I have decided to stop watching it. I am on the way to success to quit the porn. However, at times my will is defeated and I find myself in the middle of porn videos. The worst thing about watching porn is that it destroys my self-esteem. After watching porn I get the feeling that I am cheating my partner. I feel that way because of the following thought. When I am watching porn I am mentally having sex with the lady in the video. Though I am not doing it in the physical sense, as far as the mental reality is concerned, I am having sex with her. After all, often mental reality is very much real. You can imagine situations and at times you might experience it as if it is real. when you dream a snake you get frighten and your heart beat goes up. Isn’t exactly like your confrontation with a snake in actuality?! So if I am ‘mentally having sex’ with some one, it is as good as having sex with someone in real life. I tell to my partner when I watch porn, though sometimes I feel shy to tell. She would tell that it is all right; if you feel to have sex what do you do?; we are not together now. She also watch porn at times and she thinks it is all right to do so.

There is one more thing that I am worried about. I did not tell about it to my partner fully (though I have hinted about it to her). I have a desire to have sex with older ladies. It reflects in the porn videos I watch also. I masturbate by imagining older ladies. Somehow I am longing for an intimate sexual relation with an older lady. I want to confess it to my partner.
But I am a bit afraid. I feel unless I am 100% honest I am not free. I should be honest to be free. Honesty to myself and to my significant-others is required for my freedom I suppose. However, I do not want to make her sad by telling this. So at times I will think that, no I will not tell it to her, but instead I will change my self. What should I do? Can you please give me some advice about this difficult situation?

P.S: India is celebrating it 68th independence day today! There is talk of freedom everywhere. It is important to be politically free. As M K Gandhi rightly thought there is much more to gain than the political freedom. To be free is much more than to be politically free.

 

Turning 30!

yes I am turning 30!! I feel it is time to move ahead of the self of that kid. I was stuck kid-painting1with the self of helpless kid. A kid who is insecure in the family. A kid who is insecure since his father is so unexpected in behaviour. His father will beat him quite unexpectedly. He could not feel the warmth of the love of his mother. He could not feel it since  his mother often do not express her love though she loves him. This environment produced a lot of anxiety in the kid. The kid grew up. Did well in studies. But deep down he was and perhaps still is severely diffident. Deep down feeling a lot of stress. He thinks that he still is that kid. He is stuck with that self. He did not yet internalise the fact that he has grown up. He is not able to behave like an adult with a complete conviction that he is an adult. Deep down somewhere he is still that kid who is anxious and insecure.  The insecurity and anxiety is learned by his mind as the norm. He is anxious if he is thrust into situations which goes beyond his control.

The anxiety and stress leaves his self as an unsatisfied self. Deep down he is not satisfied despite the amazing progress in career, blissful presence of a loving girl-friend with him etc. Though it is to be stated that he does not have many friends. He is extremely choosy in making friends since he cannot listen to or/and be with people with whom he is not comfortable. This lack of many friend leaves him to face a situation where he is alone since friends are away. May be this is the reason why he often feel extremely lonely.

when he feel lonely, stressed  up, anxious and heavy with life, he get into self destructive activities. This self destructive activities includes activities such as watching porn. During such difficult times, he often fantasies having sex with an elder lady. Porn acts as a medium for fulfilling this desire sometimes. Sometimes this desire lead him to look for opportnites such as a crowded vehicle where he can sit with ladies and his thigh will be touching their thigh. He wish that ladies are sexually interested in him and will grope him. He wish that they will press their body against his body ( To let you know about the strength of this desire, when I am typing this I am getting an erection!). There are many instances where ladies groped him.

all these self destructive activities eventually leaves him frustrated, unsatisfied, irritated, guilty, and depressed. He wants to get rid of all these undesirable activities and thoughts. He has tried it and has made some progress. May be he should find excitement and passion in life. May be without that happening first, he cannot  get rid of the self-destructive deeds and thoughts. He still is not feeling very confident that he can make that progress by shedding the self of that anxious kid away.

Am I a Family-man?

I think I am a family man. I seems to be very much attached to my family. Perhaps I did not realise it for a long time. When I am away from my family and my girl-friend, I OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAfeel that there is a vacuum in me. I am lacking some thing. I am feeling restless and lost. Yes, there are friends whome I talk and spend my time with, but that does not seem to be adequate to get a sense of dwelling.

To overcome the lost feeling that I often encounter when I am away from home, I end up over eating and masturbating too much. But those does not give me the satisfaction that I am searching for. It sometimes leaves me more frustrated. I realised that I love my family, despite of problems. when I was younger I used to think that I will be happier if I stay away from my family. I think I am wrong about it. The uncritical and non-evaluative eyes of my family members and lover is my comfort zone. The unconditional love of them gives a lot of meaning to my life. When I am away from home and my girl-friend, I feel so un-rooted/up rooted. Only solace is that, by being away from them, I am working for a better future of mine as well as my family. may be this up-rootedness is a necessary part for that better future.